Catagories for MOST.., BEST.., LEAST.., WORST .......
Note from the author: These awards are Regionally-specific and apply only to me and North Texas. These are my selections from my experiences only and are not likely to be shared by everyone.So don't take this article too seriously. It's not intended to offend anyone especially someone who might disagree with me on the winners.
MOST UNUSUAL HOUSES I'VE INSPECTED:
Nominees are:
Fort Worth, Texas: A River Runs Through It! (House built on tall piers in a woods; "straddles" a creek that runs beneath the middle of the house.)
A most elegant earth-shelter home in Arlington, Texas.
House in Fort Worth previously-owned by a Major League Baseball player to be named later. Light switch in master suite turns on the shower.
House in Arlington, Texas with a fireplace so large you could step up on the hearth and stand inside the firebox.
BEST HOUSE I'VE EVER INSPECTED:
Nominees are:
Too many to list. North Texas has some of the most beautiful homes in the country. Oddly enough, in all of the twenty years that I have been inspecting homes in North Texas, I have encountered only two that I would not have bought no matter what the price. One was located in Grand Prairie, Texas and the other smack dab in the middle of Arlington, Texas. (The latter was a rent house owned by a prominent real estate broker who will remain nameless.)[Not to be confused with the other rent house owned by a another prominent real estate broker who will also remain nameless.)
PEOPLE WHO TAKE THE BEST CARE OF THEIR HOUSE:
Nominees are:
Retired Military..........They have the discipline to keep up with the maintenance and the time to get it done.
Retired Engineer.......Has the perfect profile. We all know how engineers function. They have something the rest of us lack. They can't stand for something NOT to work. If it's there, it's going to work. If it already works, they'll try to make it work better. If they can't make it work, they'll take it out. If they can't take it out, they'll consult with another engineer. If together they can't remove it, they'll call someone who can. (Then they'll watch to see how he did it.)
Retired (anybody)
A real estate broker or agent. (They usually think ahead to when they one day become a seller.)
PEOPLE WHO TAKE THE WORST CARE OF THEIR HOUSE:
Special Tribute:The super-handy dandy do-it-yourself, home handyman.This is a guy who thinks contractors are over-paid. He won't pay anybody to do anything, anytime. He listens to and watches week-end "Fix-it" shows. He takes Popular Mechanix and owns all the Time-Life books on home repairs. He has a laundry list of things he's built or installed himself. He never cries at weddings but gets emotional at the "surprise make-over" shows on TV. He's not afraid to tackle anything (including those things that require forethought, planning, permits, or a license. For everything that this guy installed right, there are five things he's screwed up and three that have to be done over.
Finding a stash of cash in a vacant house; then finding the rightful owner [of course].
Finding a pair of raccoons trapped inside a fireplace in a vacant house.
Vacant house intentionally "booby-trapped" with bare electrical wires lying on the wet ground.
FIVE WORST HOUSES TO INSPECT:
Nominees are:
Houses cut into a hillside. (They often have drainage problems on one side and erosion on the other.)
House smothered with landscaping. (Conceals too much.)
Do-it-yourselfer, home handyman type. (Don't get me started!)
Government foreclosures. (As Granny Clampett might say "A pig-in-a-poke") No verifiable history (No improvements made; Too little information available)
Child-proof house: Safety caps in all the electrical outlets, locks on all the cabinet doors, doorknob covers on all the doors and all the other paraphernalia to keep out those little critters.
Question: Is child-proofing a house effective? Answer: "Not really. People child-proof their house all the time and they still have kids"
PET PEEVES:
Nominees are:
Do-it-yourselfers.
Crawl spaces that can't be crawled.
Slabs built too close to the ground. [Sounds funny, doesn't it!]
Sellers that don't disclose honestly.
Buyers that use the inspection to "squeeze" the seller
F.S.B.O.'s (For Sale By Owner) This is often where the uninformed meets the misinformed.
Inspecting brand-new homes that aren't completed. Houses that are not ready for inspection or shouldn't be inspected. (Yes, some houses are too bad to be inspected!)
Gas logs and gas starters in fireplaces. (Ambiance and convenience doesn't out-weigh the consequences of a gas leak)
Homeowners insurance companies underwriters and claims departments that aren't consistent when they evaluate a roof.
Warranty companies that "disclaim" your claim with a technicality.
Buyers who falsely turn in warranty claims on defective appliances that they knew were defective when they bought the house.
Repair allowances (Thank goodness these have all but vanished)
Thermal-pane (insulated glass) windows. (The Big Con) They save energy, but they don't save you money. (Ask me about this one.)
Home inspectors who use the words "CODE VIOLATION" in their reports. No deficiency is a code violation unless a Code Enforcement Officer has written a citation. (Key word: "Officer" as in "Official")
Week-end home handyman shows on TV and radio. (Psychologists for the mechanically inept.)
Getting "shocked" during an inspection.
"Self-Ordained" home inspectors who pretend to have authority given to them by a higher power (excluding me, of course).
Termite inspections. (Absolutely the most liability a home inspector can assume.)
Garage Door Opener: Overhead Door (brand); Sears; newer Genie; (Worst) = older model Genie
Food Waste Disposer: KitchenAid
Compactor: (any that does not have a round drum)
Oven: G.E.; Amana;
Gas Grille: (anything sold by the Gas Company)
Microwave: Sharp
PREFERRED ENERGY SOURCE:(in order)
Nominees are:
Electric
Gas
Wood
Nuclear
Solar
Wind
Rubbing two sticks together
Rubbing two atoms together
Anything else
Propane
PREFERRED WINDOW SYSTEM:
Nominees are:
Single pane with storms/screens intact
Single pane without storms/screens intact
Plywood
Wax paper
Thermal panes (insulated glass)
PREFERRED FOUNDATION:
Nominees are:
New Home: Concrete slab on grade Concrete post-tension Pier and beam
Older Home: Concrete slab on grade
Dirt
Pier and beam
Car jack
PREFERRED (Texas) SOIL TYPE:
Nominees are:
No contest. Sandy or sandy loam.
FAVORITE HEATING TYPE:
Nominees are:
Heat Pump (w/air handler located inside the house, not in the attic or garage)
Electric (w/air handler located inside the house, not in the attic or garage)
Gas (w/air handler located inside the house, not in the attic or garage)
(Gas furnaces are fine for 12 to 15 years; after that, each year they tend to become more and more of a liability. So if you are purchasing a 20 year old home with the original gas furnace, don't get too excited about all the energy savings. There's a good chance that you'll be replacing that heater before you sell the home, canceling any trivial savings you might enjoy on energy bills.)
LEAST FAVORITE AIR FILTER:
Nominees are:
High-density Hypo-allergenic
Metal Mesh
Foam Mesh
(Best is the good old-fashioned fibreglass with a cardboard frame. Less air drag.)
TEN OFTEN-DESIRED BUT LITTLE-USED FEATURES:
Nominees are:
Fireplaces
Jetted bathtubs
Intercoms
Intercoms with cassette tape
Whole-house attic fans
Electric roof vents (power vents) (These are counter-productive. You're using electricty to save electricity....doesn't make sense, and they can even siphon conditioned air right out of your house.)
Ductless range hoods
Infinite speeds on ceiling fans (Why "infinite" speeds??? What's wrong with 2 or three?)
DE recovery tanks on swimming pools
Trash compactor.
TEN MOST POORLY-PLANNED DESIGNS OR INSTALLATIONS THAT DON'T ALWAYS GO WELL:
Nominees are:
Dryer vents that go "up". (Vertical drag; dryer has to fight gravity)
HVAC systems installed in a garage or attic. (Producer of cobwebs, dust allergies, expensive filters, dirty houses, etc.)
Light dimmers used for motor speed controls on ceiling fans. (Not compatible with motors; fans fail earlier.)
Recessed, tiled showers in slab foundations with no pan installed.
(Recipe for foundation damage.)
JennAir vents in slab foundations. (Often fill with water, rodents, etc.)
After-market setback thermostats installed on Heat Pump systems. (Not really good unless part of original equipment, O.E.M.)
Enclosed patios(Roof design, lot drainage, may not accommodate an enclosure without penalties or consequences.)
Room additions. (Roof design, lot drainage, may not accommodate an addition without penalties or consequences.)
Swimming pools (Lot drainage, may not accommodate a pool without penalties or consequences.)
Gas or electric bathroom heaters.(Gas bathroom heaters are outdated; electric ones have risks. Try the newer bulb-type heaters.)
